Life as we know it, is completely and forever changed

Most of you know the story - here is the website for my brother.
https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/brendanloney

I really don't know how much i'm going to be blogging in the upcoming weeks, so bare with me. On one hand i just don't want to write about it, on the other hand I know it is good therapy. I'm nervous that i'm going to say something and someone might read it and take it the wrong way - so please just remember that i am in a very emotional state right now and i have so many feelings that i just want to get off my chest.

I feel like I am living in a nightmare. I just want to wake up and be back at my cabin, but this is reality. I just can't get over that my family is dealing with this. Why did God choose Brendan? Why couldn't it have been someone else? I just don't understand. I don't even know where to go with my thoughts. On one hand, i want to start thinking about what our lives are going to look like in 3 years with bren in a wheelchair and only being able to move from the shoulders up. On the other hand, i'm still praying for a miracle. and on the other hand - i'm wondering if he's ever going to get out of ICU. Sometimes i think it would be easier for all of us and especially him if God just brought him to heaven right now. But then I go into his room and I kiss him on the cheek and I smell Brendan on his skin and I see him and talk to him, i can't imagine my life without him. I just don't know how we are all going to get through this.

I'm so scared for him. I'm scared that he is going to hate his life and not even want to live, but has no choice and has to live. I'm scared he's going to fall into a deep depression. I'm scared that he's not going to be the same person.

As a mother, I can't imagine anything worse than this situation and/or losing your baby. And also as a mother, I understand the feeling of doing anything, absolutely anything for your child. It's your heart walking outside your body. I get that. But I'm not Brendan's mom, I'm his sister - so I don't have those deep feelings. Of course I am there supporting him, being there for my family and Brendan's friends. But i have an 18 month son that needs his mommy and I'm also 4 months pregnant and i just am having a hard time with that. On one hand i'm glad that I have my escape out for a while, but on the other hand I just feel guilty.

I'm not giving up on God. I'm going to pull through this - we all are and no matter what happens we are all going to be stronger because of this. I just wish I had a crystal ball and could see what the future looks like.

Like I said, this is going to be an emotional rollercoaster ride for me. so if your ready for the ride - keep on reading. Bren's website will stay updated with more of his status - this is going to be my way of communicating how a sister deals with all of this. But I also want to keep it about Jack and baby #2 too. thanks again for all the love and support. We need our friends now more than ever right now.