Bren's One Year

I've been working on this post for a few weeks now, but I just wanted to say a little something else. This week was weird for me. I didn't know how to feel. On one hand I was super happy and just in awe of how far my brother has come in one year ago. On the other hand, thinking back to the few days before his accident is really hard for me. I was just so happy and excited for a weekend at the cabin with the ladies and not really having a care in the world, and how I had no idea how quickly all of our lives would change. That's been the hardest part for me.  I just wanted today to come - for me to be able to say, we are in SUCH a better place than we were one year ago...

Today marks the one year anniversary of my brother's accident. I can't believe it's been a year. Wow. I try to not let myself think about that awful early morning phone call from my dad because it makes me feel icky inside and does no good. So instead of reminiscing about all of the ickiness of that day or those first few months, I thought I would focus on more of the positives.

One year ago today, I did not know if my brother was going to live to see tomorrow. One year ago today, I did not know if my brother was going to be able to eat normal food again or speak normally or breath on his own. One year ago today I was wishing that God would take my brother's life just so that he would not have to deal with the burden of a wheelchair or to have to "deal" with being a quadriplegic. One year ago today I was thinking to myself that a brain injury would be a better injury to have than a spinal cord injury. Man oh man, things turned out so much better than I ever could have ever imagined and man oh man, I have come to realize how Brendan's life could be a LOT worse. I have learned a lot this past year.

Brendan fought like hell those first few months and I know that is why he is alive today. He has done phenomenal things in just a year. I can't wait to see what else he continues to do once he gets even more comfortable with his body. And before when I said I used to think that having a brain injury would be better, I was so so so wrong. Brendan is still Brendan, and we all need him. We need his witty remarks, his awesome taste in clothes, shoes, music, his smile. We need him just as much, if not more than he needs us.

When Brendan went off to college a few years ago, he would come home during his breaks and get mad because Jack wanted nothing to do with him. Jack didn't know who he was and was not comfortable around him. Well, now Jack doesn't stop asking me to go to "uncle's" house. He loves Brendan. And Finn, well that kid's face just lights up like crazy when he sees Bren, his Godfather. I love that my boys will have such a great relationship with him.

I also just have to say that I have by far the most amazing family in the world. My brother and I are so incredibly lucky to have such wonderful parents. When my mom and Brendan were in Colorado and my dad was living here, it was chaotic for sure - but we all enjoyed having Grandpa here, especially Jack. He loved saying bye to him in the mornings and watching him leave in his big truck and sometimes if Jack got lucky, my dad would honk his horn as he pulled out of the driveway. While my mom was in Colorado, I'd communicate with her every day, either text, email or phone calls. But it wasn't the same. Most of the conversations were dark and dreary. And I started to realize that it was never going to be the same again. I missed just going shopping with my mom, or out to eat, or to just talk to about my randomness. Sure, I had Tom and don't get me wrong, he is amazing and was so amazing in this time of tragedy - but let's face it, you can't have girl talk with your husband. I just wanted my mom back at home to take care of ME. But she couldn't, she was taking care of my brother - which was obviously 100% more important (thank goodness I have the best girlfriends in the world, and I could lean on them). And when my family came back home in November, I knew things would get better. But again I knew they would never be the same. It was a hard transition for everyone when my mom and Brendan came back home - dealing with Bren's emotional recovery, home health care, my mom going back to work, holidays, birthdays, babies, etc. Now that things have started to calm down and we are all learning our new normal and Bren is getting stronger both physically and emotionally, I realize that, no, things are not the same, they are BETTER. I had no complaints about my family before Bren's accident, but now I just want to brag about how awesome they are. Now we laugh harder, cry louder, hug longer, and live better. And this is all because of Brendan. He is everyone's hero. He's MY brother and I love him. I couldn't imagine my life without him.

So tonight when I go to bed, I'll say a prayer thanking God for keeping my brother in my life. For helping him get his spirits up after such an awful tragedy. For bringing amazing new people into his life, and for bringing our family closer. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks that this happened to my brother and that my family has to deal with this, but you move on the best you know how and I think we are all doing a pretty good job at that. I have learned first hand that life can change in a blink of an eye and I just thank my lucky stars that I am surrounded by such wonderful people, and I do my best to just love them like crazy.

Here is a slideshow I think you will all enjoy. You'll have to excuse a few blurry pictures, I had to dig through old files and cell phone pictures to find a few of these.